In Which I Consult the Oracle.

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but my roommate and I had an appointment with a safe in Minnesota, and what with the cops and the angry villagers and the zombie smilodon, the whole thing just took a little more time than we'd planned for. Anyway, don't worry about that, everything's fine now.

The following Q&A isn't new, but it looked like fun, and it was. I found it here (no, I don't know her, but I feel like I should).

The game is iPodomancy, and the way it is played is thusly:
1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle.
[I don't actually own one, but iTunes or other audio software will suffice.]
2. Press forward for each question.
[Or just listen to the track and ponder its significance while multitasking in other windows.]
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

I've included some of the best tracks for your listening pleasure.

How am I feeling today?
"If I Could Split" - Kite Flying Society
Okay, that's definitely how I was feeling at work today.

Will I get far in life?
"Call Me What You Like" - Puffy AmiYumi
Huh. I'm thinking this is the equivalent to the Magic 8-Ball's "Reply hazy, try again."

How do my friends see me?
"No Wow" - The Kills
Tough crowd, you guys.

When will I get married?
"Your Light is Spent" - Final Fantasy
I don't know what that means, but I'll hold off on picking the dress.

What is my best friend's theme song?
"Sunset" - The Appleseed Cast
I have multiple best friends, so I guess they can fight over this one. It's instrumental, laid-back, feel-good music that sounds more like a random cut from a soundtrack than a theme song, but all my best friends are pretty weird, so whatever.

What is the story of my life?
"Fantasia for Clarinet" - Modern Quartet vs Kocani Orkestar
That's... really abstract, man.

What was high school like?
"A100" - Billy Corgan
Why yes, my high school GPA was indeed over 4.0. And your assumptions (based on this information) about my social life at that time are likely to be accurate.

How am I going to get ahead in life?
"Blessing in Disguise" - Tom Vek
Oh. Whew. That's a relief.

What is the best thing about me?
"Lie Still, Little Bottle" - They Might Be Giants
So which is it, iTunes? My tendency to inertia or my (lack of) chemical dependency?

How is today going to be?
"Wish Me Luck" - Ofra Haza
I can't really argue with that.

What is in store for this weekend?
"Gene Clark" - Heroes and Villains
Who is Gene Clark? Maybe I should do some research.

What song describes my parents?
"Disappear" - My Brightest Diamond
I'm having trouble thinking of a context in which this answer would be accurate... except for a really terrible pun context: Dis a pair.

What song describes your grandparents?
"Eugene at Caroline's" - Eugene Mirman
Wait, this is not a song track. I'm not counting it.
"So Begins Our Alabee" - Of Montreal
Alabee is the infant daughter of the guy who wrote the song (I looked it up). I guess this is appropriate insofar as my grandparents all had children... though none of them were named Alabee.

How is my life going?
"Kaddish" - Ofra Haza
According to Wikipedia, Kaddish is (or comes from the) Aramaic for "holy." It refers to a central blessing of the Jewish prayer service in which God's name is glorified, but also to rituals of mourning. So... yeah, pretty much.

What song will they play at my funeral?
"So Passes Away the Glory of the World" - Typhoon
Oh definitely. The only lyrics to this overblown, unremittingly somber dirge are "Sic transit gloria mundi." Of course, you'd better follow it up with some outrageously cheery non sequitur, like "The Swimming Song" by Loudon Wainwright III.

How does the world see me?
"Onions" - Heartless Bastards
Um... same to you. You heartless bastards.

Will I have a happy life?
"The Cry of Man" - Mary Margaret O'Hara
That doesn't sound promising, does it?

What do my friends really think of me?
"Kaefusafi" - Stafrænn Hákon
Hey! Are you guys secretly Icelandic?

Do people secretly lust after me?
"Remedy" - The Black Crowes
I'll take that as an affirmative.

How can I make myself happy?
"Jaan Pehechaan Ho" - Mohammed Rafi
Listen to more Bollywood soundtracks. Ah. Good advice, iTunes Oracle.

What should I do with my life?
"Greenland Whale Fisheries" - Van Dyke Parks
You don't say! Stay tuned for the whale poaching revival of '09, kids.

Will I ever have children?
"Your Eyes Have It" - Bullette
Possibly maybe. Got it.

What is some good advice for me?
"Moonlighter Prizefighter" - Yellow Jacket Avenger
Yeah, I'll... have to think about that. Thanks.

What is my signature dancing song?
"Into Tomorrow" - The Waxwings
I can do slow waltzes, but signature? Come on, iTunes. Give me some credit here.

What do I think my current theme song is?
"Tango Till They're Sore" - Tom Waits
Yeah, why not? "Send me off to bed forevermore." As long as I get a new theme song tomorrow, because by "forevermore" I really mean "a good eight hours."

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Já Sei Namorar" - Tribalistas
Man, you win, everyone else. That song rocks. I don't speak Portuguese, but according to Google Translate, the title means "Already I know to namorar." So true. So true.

What type of men/women do you like?
"Graffiti" - Maximo Park
Men with Scottish accents, obviously.

What kind of kisser are you?
"Samson" - Regina Spektor
Mighty good.

What's your style?
"A Parade" - Kuryakin
Oh iTunes, you enigmatic tease, you.

What kind of lover are you?
"Use It" - The New Pornographers
Not that kind.

What would be playing on a first date?
"Today" - Jennifer O'Connor
"Today I stop guessing and give you my heart..." Whew, that'd have to be one good first date.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
"Middle of Nowhere" - Hot Hot Heat
Now we're talking, iTunes. But with that many questions, you're bound to get some right. I deem your prognostications unsatisfactory overall, and your position as soothsayer is hereby REVOKED.